Each year, Earth Day is celebrated, as it was last Wednesday, April 22. On this particular day, designated as such in 1970, we should ask ourselves an often difficult question: have we done enough for our planet?
Lately, though, I’m asking myself if we’re doing enough for our great President Donald J. Trump, who is, after all, the greatest president in the history of time.
The online journalist Scott MacFarlane reported last week that several bills going through Congress would honor Trump in a myriad of ways if passed. Some of them include having his face carved into Mount Rushmore; renaming multiple airports for him; requiring the State Dept. to award a “Trump Peace Prize” and declaring his birthday a federal holiday. As a sidenote: Trump’s June 14 birthday is already Flag Day, which is not a federal holiday, but given the importance of the great one, I figure that if his birthday were designated as such, it would completely override Flag Day, and necessitate it being moved to a different day.
So with all that in mind, as well as Earth Day, it dawned on me: it is time, possibly past time, that we rename out world in honor of President Donald Trump.
Think about it. When we ask ourselves, as a species, if we have done enough for our planet, part of that is whether or not we have adequately branded our planet. “Earth” is a bland, unremarkable and downright unmarketable name. It’s a name that just as easily refers to the very soil that we plant our feet upon.
I’ve often joked that we exist in the Jerry Springer era of politics, but it goes past that realm. In our day and age, it’s not just leadership that is bolder. Everything around us is branded and marketed in bigger, flashier fashion than what was the norm, say, 20 years ago, and with that in mind, our planet is the perfect platform left to bear the mighty Trump name.
Consider the precedent: Donald Trump has long used the marketability of his name on everything from buildings, such as hotels and casinos, to steaks, wines, a university, sneakers, mobile phone service and even the Bible. There is no surface, structure or vaguely rectangular object that has not at least been considered a potential bearer of the Trump name, and to leave an entire planet – our home – unbranded is not just an oversight, but a failure in our global marketing strategy to trumpet American exceptionalism.
While many might argue that planets have traditionally been named for mythological figures or places, and renaming a planet for a sitting U.S. President might be a break in traditions, this is exactly the sort of outdated thinking that has kept our planet from reaching its full potential.
Think about it. Mars is named for the Roman god of war and Jupiter, the largest planet in our solar system, is named to honor the chief deity in Roman mythology, but do either of these have a licensing deal? Do any of them offer commemorative merchandise? You cannot buy a “Jupiter Tower” condo with gold-plated toilets, and that is a problem.
While Congress remains about as popular in the minds of the public as syphilis, they’re ahead of the curve on one thing, with their enthusiasm in honoring Trump with such increasingly creative gestures as renaming airports for him as well as designating his day of birth as a federal holiday.
But why stop at airports when you can have continents? Why settle for a peace prize named for him when you could have an entire planet? “Trump Earth” has a certain ring to it: strong, decisive and incredibly marketable.
The benefits to this name change would be immediate. Potential visitors from other planets, and other galaxies, would be far more apt to flock here to see the newly branded planet, and eager to take selfies against the backdrop of the Trump Earth horizon.
Schoolchildren would be thrilled to learn about the “Trumposphere,” the “Mantle of Greatness” and “The Core of Tremendous Heat” when studying geology, thus helping to give science that flair it so desperately needs.
Some might be concerned that renaming the planet after a single individual sets forth a dangerous precedent. Questions might arise about future leaders demanding similar honors. Will we endlessly rebrand the globe like a stadium with some sort of rotating sponsorship deal? Well, it’s possible, but think of the revenue.
A rename of our planet to “Trump Earth” is not just a tribute, but an act that brings our world into harmony with the modern principles of visibility, marketability and the audacity of the present age. “Trump Earth” would carry us to a point in time where even the ground beneath our feet has a logo.
So, really, if you’re going to put your name on something, why aim small?
Chris Edwards is editor of the Tyler County Booster, a sister newspaper in the Polk County Publishing Group. He can be reached at cedwards@polkcountypublishing.com.
