I know kids who have spent 12 years or more attending public school, doing nothing. I’ll bet you know them too — children who probably live or have lived in your home, who respond, day after day, “nothing,” when asked, “what did you do at school today?”
“What did you do in history today?” “Nothing.”
“What did you do at recess today?” “Nothing.”
“What did you do at lunch today?” “Nothing.”
Do you ever wonder what they really are doing? The trick to finding out lies in just three little words.
“Tell me more.” Three little words, almost magical in their ability to draw from the speaker more information, more conversation, more communication about their activities, their likes, dislikes, feelings, hopes, dreams, plans, and schemes.
Universal in their effectiveness with adults or children, “tell me more” and words like these convey to the speaker that the listener is really, truly interested in hearing more about what is being said. “Tell me more” can mean, “I wish I’d seen that,” which encourages more descriptions. “Tell me more” can mean “I’d like to do that,” and helps the speaker remember more details to share. “Tell me more” means “I’m listening,” 100 percent, truly listening and interested.
Three little words, almost never used by parents or others with whom we converse. Is it any wonder that many children never learn to communicate effectively? Where in the world do they learn to communicate if not from and with parents or other interested adults who take time to really listen?
Too often, as one person attempts to talk, the listener is only thinking of what they are going to say and many times interrupt the speaker to start saying it. Especially with children, who sometimes are slow to translate their ideas into words, listening quietly is more than just important; it is critical for their successful language development.
The current attitude of “been-there-done-that” is particularly destructive of conversations as it conveys to the speaker there isn’t any reason to share their own experiences. Yet, processing new ideas, new experiences, new emotions, etc., is most often done verbally and requires an empathetic audience, not an interrupter, an impatient or jaded listener.
Kids who feel valued in what they say will learn to value their thinking and become more successful as students and adults. You gotta have two to tango and it takes two to talk and to listen.
“Tell me more.” “I know you made the football team. Tell me more about the plays you are using.” “I heard you went on a field trip to the grocery store. Tell me more about how you got there.” “I see your knee is all scraped. Tell me more about where it happened.”
We all, young and old, need to share; talking about ourselves, our dreams, hopes, fears, excitement and activities strengthen families and communities. “Tell me more” makes sharing our lives meaningful.
Please, tell me more.
Darby Kethan has a master's degree in child development, and has experience as a social worker, educator of young children, educational consultant, and as a professional trainer for a national educational foundation providing professional development to teachers. Visit her website at darbykethan.com.
