And just when I was making a big investment in cat litter boxes for public schools, I see the State is killing my future fortune.
When I first heard that a Texas state representative had proposed a bill to ban barking, meowing, and other animal-like behavior by children in schools, I assumed it was satire. Surely, no one in a position of power would waste legislative time on such a thing, right? Well, don’t mess with Texas. State Representative Stan Gerdes, apparently convinced that Texas schools are teetering on the brink of an apocalyptic collapse due to feral children, has introduced a bill that does exactly that. And Governor Greg Abbott, never one to miss an opportunity to drum up outrage over non-issues, has thrown his support behind it.
So here we are. In a state where public schools are underfunded, teachers are underpaid, and educational outcomes are slipping, our elected officials are bravely taking a stand against… kids pretending to be animals? If this sounds like the fever dream of someone who spent too much time reading online conspiracy theories, that’s because, well, it basically is.
The so-called Forbidding Unlawful Representation of Roleplaying in Education (FURRIES) Act (yes, that’s the real name) seeks to prohibit “non-human behavior” in schools.
I have a few questions. First, who exactly determines what constitutes “non-human behavior”? If a child pants because they’re out of breath in gym class, is that now a disciplinary issue? What about a kid who growls in frustration over a math test? Is hopping like a frog on the playground an arrestable offense under Gerdes’ grand vision?
Of course, the bill’s real target is the bizarre and repeatedly debunked claim that schools are accommodating students who identify as animals. You may have heard this nonsense before, likely from the same crowd that brought us panic over critical race theory, litter boxes in classrooms, and the idea that drag queens are a bigger threat to children than mass shootings. None of it is real, of course, but that hasn’t stopped it from becoming a Republican talking point. Greg Abbott himself has cited these claims as justification for his push for school vouchers. You know, because when public schools aren’t being run into the ground by imaginary cat-children, they’re apparently a socialist indoctrination camp.
Let’s be clear. Kids pretending to be animals is not a crisis. It’s childhood. Anyone who has spent more than ten minutes around a group of elementary schoolers knows they do weird things. They meow, they bark, they crawl around on all fours pretending to be dinosaurs. This is not a new phenomenon. If anything, it’s evidence that kids still have imaginations, which is more than can be said for some of our legislators.
Meanwhile, the actual problems in Texas education remain unaddressed. School funding is a mess, with rural schools struggling to keep the lights on. Teachers are leaving the profession in droves because they’re overworked, underpaid, and vilified by the same politicians who claim to support education. School shootings are an ever-present danger, yet the same people who think barking is a crisis refuse to pass meaningful gun control measures. But sure, let’s spend time banning pretend animal noises.
What does it say about our society that we are increasingly governing based on online conspiracy theories? This isn’t just an embarrassing footnote, but a symptom of a broader rot in our political discourse. At some point reality stopped being a requirement for legislative action. It’s not about fixing problems anymore. It’s about creating enemies, no matter how fictional, and then campaigning on having “fought back.”
The rise of legislation like the FURRIES Act is part of a broader trend of moral panics replacing actual governance. The playbook is depressingly simple. Find a manufactured outrage, preferably one that preys on parents’ fears, amplify it through right-wing media, and then introduce a bill to “solve” the problem. When it inevitably turns out that the crisis never existed in the first place, it doesn’t matter. The outrage cycle moves on, and the politicians get to say they stood up against the threat of whatever cultural boogeyman they conjured up this time.
In the past few years alone, we’ve seen this cycle play out with critical race theory (which was never being taught in K-12 schools), LGBTQ+ inclusion in education (because apparently, acknowledging that gay people exist is a threat to children), and now this absurd “furry” panic. It would be funny if it weren’t so indicative of a society in decline.
If we were a healthy, functioning country, legislation like this wouldn’t even make it to the table. But instead, we’re living in a time when lawmakers treat Facebook conspiracy posts like policy proposals. It’s embarrassing. The rest of the world is laughing at us, and frankly, we deserve it.
So what comes next? What’s the next great moral crisis for these performative culture warriors? Will we see legislation banning children from pretending to be pirates because it promotes lawlessness? A bill declaring that imaginary friends are a leftist plot to indoctrinate children into collectivism? Why stop there? Maybe Representative Gerdes can introduce a measure prohibiting children from playing tag because it encourages chasing, and that might lead to socialism.
We should be demanding more from our elected officials. We should be asking why our schools are underfunded, why teachers are quitting, why students are struggling with mental health issues, and why real problems, like poverty, access to healthcare, and actual school safety are ignored in favor of these idiotic crusades against pretend crises.
But that would require serious leadership, and serious leadership is in short supply. Instead, we get clowns passing laws against barking children. We get culture war nonsense while real issues go unaddressed. We get a political system that increasingly resembles a reality TV show, except with more bigotry and fewer redeeming moments.
There is a real crisis in education, but it has nothing to do with kids pretending to be animals. The crisis is that we are letting unserious people make policy based on lies and then acting surprised when nothing gets better. The crisis is that we are so distracted by imaginary threats that we ignore the real ones. And if we don’t start calling it out for what it is, an absolute mockery of governance, we’re only going to see more of it.
So Representative Stan Gerdes, Governor Greg Abbott, and all the other politicians pushing this nonsense I offer my congratulations. You have officially turned Texas into a punchline. Maybe instead of banning barking, you should listen to the real howls of frustration coming from the teachers, parents, and students who want solutions to real problems. But that would require actual leadership, and as we’ve seen, that’s in short supply.
Disclaimer: Jim Powers writes opinion columns. The views expressed in this editorial are my own and do not necessarily reflect those of Polk County Publishing or its affiliates. In the interest of transparency, I am politically Left Libertarian.
