I’m not fond of cringe imagery – be it videos of unintended slapstick humor or footage of courtroom meltdowns as a verdict is read, I’m just not about any of that.
It is, however, unavoidable that into every life some cringe might fall, and while I’m out in the wild, I see plenty of cringe in the form of signs, painted mailboxes and other pricey forms of personalization, bearing family names that are incorrectly rendered with that oh so abused part of our grammar toolbox, the small, but mighty apostrophe.
Huge signs that required a plasma cutter to create bearing, in an ornate script, “The Johnson’s” sit in front of homes, along with mailboxes on the side of the road with hand-painted announcements of “The Miller’s” or “The Green’s.”
This time of year, the struggle is real for those among us who find irritation in the abuse of apostrophes. The flurry of handwritten envelopes and greeting cards flooding into mailboxes can result in a lot of wincing, although the sweet thoughts are present in said seasonal greetings.
This week’s scrawling is not about elitism or pedantry, but clarity and respect for language, and it’s a reminder I’d endeavored several years ago to write this time of year, but other topics have occupied this space.
An apostrophe, as I wrote, is a mighty part of grammar with a clear and specific job description. I mean, it would have to be important for the late sage Frank Zappa to have named one of his legions of albums after it, right?
Instead of being a decorative flourish, or a mere accessory to dress up a word or proper noun, an apostrophe shows possession (for example: “the cat’s food”) or is used to indicate a contraction of two words (e.g. “it’s” for “it is”).
What the apostrophe is not meant to do is form a plural noun. Every year about this time, however, mailboxes fill up with cards addressed to “The Johnson’s” or, worse, “Happy Holiday’s.” Every time an apostrophe is loudly and unnecessarily misused, it’s a signal that the writer has misunderstood one of the basic rules of written English. Years ago, when I wrote a column on this same topic (with that intention of making it an annual reminder) I mused that when I saw the poor, misunderstood apostrophe abused, it made me wonder where the offending party was in second grade when this sort of thing was taught. It still does.
If it were a one-time thing, the misuse of apostrophes would not be as irritating, but when it shows up on signs, menus and social media posts, year-round, it’s not a rare slip-up or typo made in haste.
I harken back to a few years ago when a friend was doing some print work for someone who actually thought it was incorrect for the sign being printed for her, bearing her family name, to not have the apostrophe.
There’s also something strange at work when a family name is rendered cringe (to my eyes) with the use of an apostrophe in a vain attempt to pluralize. You see, names matter. Families take pride in them, and pluralizing a name correctly (e.g. “The Johnsons”) acknowledges that pride. With the addition of the apostrophe, there’s a suggestion of possession where none exists, almost as if the family belongs to something unnamed.
So, if you still have some Christmas cards to make out, or need some address labels printed off, and let’s say your surname is Anderson, here’s how to proceed: if you want to send your cards out on behalf of your entire family unit, the card and/or the label should read “From the Andersons,” NOT “From the Anderson’s.”
Apostrophes, when they are used correctly, help the meaning of something land cleanly. When they are misused, however, they tend to muddy the intent.
The good news is that the fix is quite easy. If you mean more than one person or thing, you pretty much never need an apostrophe. Save that for ownership and contractions. Let the plurals stand on their own.
As greeting cards continue to make their journey from kitchen tables into mailboxes this holiday season, a little apostrophe awareness can go a long way. The message inside, on the card, will still be full of warmth and the wishes sincere, but the grammar will finally be at peace.
