Watching the faces of the adults as they struggled to push against one another’s hands during the activity at a parenting seminar sent lights and bells off all over the room. I could see people realizing just how foolish, just how fruitless, and just how painful it can be to be involved in a struggle for power, especially with children.
Try it for yourself. Find a partner and follow these directions. Face one another, place hands close together, palm to palm, and push. The more one pushes, the more the other pushes, yet no one goes anywhere. Now, try this exercise again, only one of you stop pushing right away.
Amazing how just one person ceasing to struggle means an end to the struggle. A simple, perhaps silly, activity drives home a life-changing concept. By refusing to struggle, we can change the outcome.
Relaxing, not pushing, whether verbally or physically, removes most barriers to overcoming problems. No relationship, including that between parent and child, should be about who is the most powerful. It should be about making both parties to the relationship successful, about making both winners.
With children — and ask anyone ever involved in a power struggle with toddlers or teens — there are no winners at the end of a battle with toddlers. The power parent can subdue them by hitting, holding or picking them up, but what about when the toddlers grow larger?
Toddler tantrum-techniques like those just won’t work with teens and other ways to solve problems must be developed while children are young.
The basic need adults and children are trying to fulfill during most battles is the important one of making choices about what is going on. Everyone literally struggles for power, for the feelings of power, for the position of being the one to choose.
Thinking just a bit about how adults can help children feel and become more powerful may relieve the cause of many conflicts. Even very young children are capable of making choices and developing the ability to make wise choices and learn to work together.
Kids can help choose foods for family meals, dishes to use, clothing to wear, books to have read, gifts for friends, chores to help with, and even the times for some of these activities. Being a part of the decision-making process builds self-esteem and develops self-confidence as people feel important and valued.
The next time your kid makes you angry, think about the power push activity. If you stop pushing and try to find out what your child needs, you may find a conversation about a problem instead of a confrontation, a sharing of feelings instead of shoving. You may develop a system where everyone is a winner as you work together to solve problems.
Adults are tall, children are small, whether in size or in our minds, but that doesn’t make adults more powerful. Our goal needs to be making children tall, literally, in helping them resolve difficulties.
We must be responsible for showing them rational behaviors that solve problems, not make them worse.
