“Single married,” a new phrase I heard recently, refers to the style of relationships many couples, especially those where both work outside the home as well as at home, seem to have.
Single married means each doing their own thing, generally in separate places, usually to get through faster, thinking to then spend time together and with the children.
Often, their own thing is those jobs we tend to see along gender stereotypes — the moms wash, dads repair sort of thinking. Yet much of the separate work can be shared by two or more, is certainly more fun and avoids the stereotyping pitfalls that seem to pass from one generation to the next, gender limitations such as boys don't do dishes and girls can't be doctors.
I once complained to a friend that I hated meal preparation, and she surprised me by saying she loved it. I think she did. I think she loved how meal preparation at her home was a time for sharing and socializing for their whole family. She looked forward to each evening when she and her husband cooked, relaxed and shared time together along with their children. They prepared, ate and cleaned up as a family.
I thought of her as I heard the term single married. Families who share routine responsibilities such as cleaning, shopping, meal preparation and chores have a unique opportunity for teaching children to become caring adults as they will view contributions to the home not on the basis of gender roles but on the basis of sharing time together. Why else is there to be a family and to have children except to spend time together?
Two really can do twice the work of one and enjoy it more as almost any activity shared becomes twice the fun, and then two can do something else together. Working together expands opportunities for learning new skills and spending more time with family members.
The argument “quality time not quantity time” really isn't valid when there is no time. Saving time and making time do double duty in order to have more family time really is essential if we are to have any time together.
Being creative in changing how we use time can mean sharing and having fun doing some jobs we used to think of as the personal property of one person, like Dad's time to change the oil or Mom's time to mop the floors. Housework that takes one person six hours will take two people three, and three people, just two.
Imagine being done with all that hassle in just two hours and free to move on together to something else. Think of having two hours together; when does that happen? Sharing time and jobs means you share one another, which is a good plan for busy families.
Kids who share in housework, yard work, and other responsibilities learn to view the family as a working unit rather than live-in maid and food service. Sharing is not something many of us do easily, whether it is our money, time, or possessions. Learning how to share one another's work and play is important for children to understand how communities and nations exist.
Learning for children is through doing. Participating in family responsibilities as a means of sharing and having fun teaches many lessons and rewards such efforts by children's increased self-esteem and self-confidence. When their contribution is valued, they feel important.
Darby Kethan has a master's degree in child development, and has experience as a social worker, educator of young children, educational consultant, and as a professional trainer for a national educational foundation providing professional development to teachers. Visit her website at darbykethan.com.
