“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” was the mantra we used to protect ourselves from the taunts and terrors of childhood's verbal wars.
Moms knew just what to tell us to provide a shield against the hurting and spiteful words hurled at us by peers in childish spats. (They also tried to keep physical violence to a minimum).
I don't remember the names we called one another, but I can remember that they hurt. Adults recognized the potential damage to self-esteem and self-confidence these thoughtless and careless exchanges threatened, so they gave us chants or recipes to help us through the tough times. There seemed to be a consensus among adults to protect children, to keep them safe from the more horrifying realities of society, and to give them slogans or skills for self-protection.
What I see on television, videos, and in “real life” reminds me just how far away we are from times when children contended only with taunts from peers, and adults watched very carefully what was said and done in front of children. Wounding words now seem to be a primary method of communication: words that convey slurs or degrading self-images, words that are sarcastic or demeaning, and words that are used to secure a laugh for the speaker at the expense of another.
Conversation is less an exchange of ideas or emotions than a stand-up comedy routine ridiculing the listeners. Canned laugh tracks support these “put downs”, making these methods seem more desirable and insuring initiation by young and immature viewers.
These wounding words have become sticks and stones that hurt. They break spirits, self-confidence, self-images, friendships, families, businesses, schools, churches, and communities. Young children call one another names and use language not possible for them to have invented; they are imitating what they see and hear.
Over time, young children become the images of the words they hear. Generations of children called “bad” have become the “baddest,” and kids of normal intelligence act stupid to fit the names they are called.
Thumper's mother, in “Bambi,” had the best advice of all about avoiding wounding words. She told him, “If you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at alt.” That's hard to do, given human nature, but the results are worth the effort.
Kids can be kind to one another and grow into loving and supportive adults, and we can show them how.
Darby Kethan has a master's degree in child development, and has experience as a social worker, educator of young children, educational consultant, and as a professional trainer for a national educational foundation providing professional development to teachers. Visit her website at darbykethan.com.
